Recognizing Attachment Trauma in Adults
When you meet someone, how much do you think about your attachment style? That person could be a potential partner, friend, co-worker, etc. But your connection to them is very much influenced by the way you learned — as a very young child — to attach to others. During our early years, we depend on others for our well-being.
If the people in our lives — especially parents and other caregivers — are negligent, unreliable, or abusive, we may be traumatized. This is the root of attachment trauma. But since it happens before we can understand it, attachment trauma can go unrecognized until adulthood.
What Typically Causes Attachment Trauma?
Since trauma is in the eye of the beholder, this list is theoretically infinite. That said, there are some well-documented root causes of attachment trauma to keep in mind. These may include:
Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
A family that doesn’t set any boundaries
Parents (or older siblings) who are controlling and manipulative
Being neglected and feeling abandoned because your basic needs are not met
Literal abandonment from a parent leaving, dying, being incarcerated, or getting divorced
The death of any family member or anyone close to you
Growing up around domestic violence
Dealing with an injury, illness, or disability
Living in a household in which substance abuse is present
Children lack the cognitive and language skills to understand and express what they’re feeling. Factors like those listed above can lead to impaired social skills along with learning issues. All of this sets the stage for a deepening of attachment trauma as the child begins school.
Obviously, we’re talking about a very serious scenario. But how does anyone recognize the underlying reasons? The first step is to identify the signs.
Recognizing Attachment Trauma in Adults
The first place to start this examination is your relationship history. Not just romantic connections, mind you, but we’re talking about siblings, best friends, co-workers, and more. If your parents were not functional role models, it almost certainly affected the way you interact with others to this day.
Look closely for any patterns you can discern. Here are three areas worth considering:
Self-Sabotage
Attachment trauma can inspire dread when contemplating any new person in your life. Therefore, you may reflexively take steps that reduce the likelihood of meeting new folks and/or connecting deeply with them. It’s not hard these days to make yourself less appealing in a mainstream sense. This can also take the form of controlling choices. If you fill your life with “stuff” to do, you’ll appear like someone who just doesn’t have the time for a social life.
Self-Numbing
On some level, you know something is “off” but attachment trauma can be tricky to identify. So, you rely on self-medication to mask the fear, loneliness, and anxiety. The obvious numbing options might be drugs or alcohol. But activities like gaming, gambling, and internet pornography may also serve this counterproductive purpose.
Unexplained Symptoms
Such signs can be emotional but are quite often physical, e.g.
Sleep disturbances
Overeating
Aches and pains (especially headaches)
Fatigue
Good News: You Can Heal From Attachment Trauma and Change Your Attachment Style
It’s not your fault that you weren’t given the chance to develop in a functional environment. But this does not mean it’s too late. Plenty of people in a similar position have connected with a trauma-informed therapist to begin making big changes. Once you’re made aware that you have an insecure attachment style, the steps become more obvious.
You can develop self-esteem and self-acceptance. With help, you can learn how to set healthy boundaries while honing your communication skills. All of this can guide you as discover the joy of making deep, enriching connections with others.